Unlearning is Learning, Too

"Two steps forward, one step back"—a universally frustrating experience. We all face it, whether missing turns on familiar roads, repeating kid clean-ups, or wrestling with unforeseen expenses after budgeting.

But what if this dance between progress and setback is mostly internal, marked by small emotional and spiritual progress followed by predictable defeats? What if we're not becoming the person we thought we’d be?

As I've grown older, I've sensed a circular pattern in parenting, marriage, career, and my soul. It raises a vital question: does repetition offer a chance to learn—or unlearn? Taking that step back and shedding what's no longer useful paves the way for change and growth.

Unlearning is learning, too.

THE DISCIPLINE OF UNLEARNING

Some habits and behaviors are harmful, and we're simply unaware. Growing up in sunny California, I made a habit of chasing the sun, relishing the outdoors, and soaking up as much vitamin D as possible. Although I applied sunscreen diligently, the consequences of sun exposure on my fair skin began to surface in the form of Basal cell skin cancer, right on the middle of my cheek. Resolving this issue meant not only surgical measures but also a fundamental shift in my habits.

Even as I embarked on the journey of unlearning my summer habits, more cancer resurfaced a few months later, this time on my chin. This served as a stark reminder that our past choices can continue to affect us, even after making positive changes. The remaining scars on my face are a constant reminder that true learning involves foresight, not just living for the moment.

This process of moving towards health is a powerful metaphor for an equally significant personal journey. When we encounter "cancerous" aspects in our relational and behavioral patterns, ignoring them is not an option. Instead, we must commit to removing what would contaminate us, making this discipline of unlearning an essential part of our growth.

Yet, the internal process is harder because it is hidden, allowing us to lie to ourselves longer if we avoid facing the truth. The damage of hidden cancer can be even more detrimental than it seemed when first detected.

I’m in the unlearning process of compartmentalizing my public and private life, a behavior often praised by societal norms. Instead, I’m learning the freedom found in the integrated life. In the public eye, hard work, hustle, and drive are celebrated, yet the cost of this is that those closest to me receive fractions of my attention. This mindset of constant hustle contradicts the teachings of Scripture, which calls us to seasons of stillness and rest, inviting the integration of our body, mind, heart, and soul to live in harmonious unity. Breaking down the barriers of a compartmentalized life is an ongoing process of unlearning; it requires a change in direction, also known as repentance.

NEW LEARNING DOESN'T FIT INTO OLD MINDSETS.

In the gospel of Mark, Jesus spoke of what occurs when new wine is placed in an old wineskin to warn us against hanging on to outdated, unhelpful thinking.

"Besides, who would patch old clothing with new cloth? For the new patch would shrink and rip away from the old cloth, leaving an even bigger tear than before. And no one puts new wine into old wineskins. For the wine would burst the wineskins, and the wine and the skins would both be lost. New wine calls for new wineskins." (Mark 2:21-22)

This example of new wine in an old container invites us to self-reflect, cautioning against forcing new knowledge back into a framework that risks its loss. Old behaviors yield old results, so unlearning old mindsets and behaviors is necessary to make space for expanded growth.

TRANSFORMATION THROUGH SANCTIFICATION.

Starting a new habit is tough. It requires mental effort to rewire deeply ingrained neural pathways. We can begin by monitoring the messages we absorb. The renewing of our minds is made possible by the transformative work of Jesus on the cross. The Holy Spirit's work kickstarts our growth, and Scripture teaches us what needs to be torn down and corrected (or unlearned) as well as what needs training in righteousness (2 Timothy 3:15). God kindly reveals what must be surrendered, allowing Him to take our broken pieces and guide us toward wholeness. Transformation—or sanctification—is a process where God frees us from sinful habits and cultivates Christlike qualities within us.

This might feel like going "two steps forward, one step back." Unlearning old mindsets is essential to clear the way for new knowledge to take its rightful place.

Techniques For Supporting Anxious Kids: Sometimes The Only Way Is Through

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An article written for the Ministry Spark Blog

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It was a Fall Saturday in October in the PNW, and I was driving my youngest daughter to her soccer game. We got stuck on the bridge spanning Oregon and Washington. Due to an accident, traffic had come to a complete stop.

My daughter kept asking what time the GPS said we would arrive at her game and anxiously watched as the arrival time on the screen kept moving out while we were going nowhere fast. On all sides of us there was bumper-to-bumper traffic.

First came the tears, next the shallow breathing, and then the panic. Through tears and shallow breaths, my daughter started making statements like “This is the worst day ever” and “Why does this have to happen to me?” Then she escalated to blaming herself for letting her team down by not getting to the game on time.

The internal battle waged within me too. I echoed my daughter’s statements and struggled not to let them be the most real experience of the moment. I told myself to stay calm, but I wasn’t buying my own press.

Supporting Anxious Kids

When we see anxiety grow in the bodies of the little ones we love and lead, it can feel helpless and cause our own anxiety to rise to the surface. In our efforts to help provide tools and resources for the children in our care, we must stay calm and regulate ourselves.

We were in a situation where we could not control the outcome, yet there were certain things still within our control.

Choosing to be present for my daughter and provide her with guidance and resources was what this minor crisis called for. I knew how to be present with my daughter in her anxiety and how to help her move through it. The soccer game had quickly taken a backseat.

The most important truth to communicate was that my daughter’s performance (in the game and life) was not more important (and never would be) than her peace.

Anxiety is a common mental health condition that affects people of all ages, including children.

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, anxiety disorders are the most common mental health disorder in the United States, affecting 31.9% of adults at some point in their lives. Anxiety in children has been on the rise over the past few years, with studies indicating that up to 25% of elementary school students suffer from some form of anxiety.

How we respond to a child’s anxiety will make a big difference in how they learn to cope with anxious feelings.

The best way to help children overcome anxiety is to teach them to deal with anxiety as it comes up. With practice, they will be less anxious. When anxiety rises in the children we love and lead, consider using these practices to help them find their way back to peace.

Read the full article HERE

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Three Vital Steps to Living With Integrity

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This is Contributor piece written for the Propel Women Blog

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My Psychology 101 course at Wheaton College was held during peak lunchtime hours. That particular day, I had slept in and missed breakfast, and as I walked into class, my stomach spoke loudly to get my attention.

My "hangry" pains convinced me to change my routine. My friend and I chose seats in the back row, hoping to slip out unnoticed after the quiz and make it to lunch before closing. With quizzes complete, we exited the building during our mid-class break.

It didn't go well.

Pushing through the double doors moving in the opposite direction of our classmates, our professor saw us. He followed us. Our pace quickened. So did his. We began to run. So did he. But his bow-tie and dress shoes were no match for our nikes. We kept running. Our professor relented, making his way back to the building. Despite getting caught, I did not turn around.

A lapse in judgment can lead to poor decisions. I got a zero on that quiz, paid for with my integrity.

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BELIEFS INFORM BEHAVIOR

That experience brought with it a painful moment of self-awareness. I was content with making a poor choice when no one knew about it. Guilt and regret rose to the surface after my lack of integrity was exposed, not due to my unwise decision.

Integrity is about being a person of character when everyone is watching, and being the same person when no one is watching. Living a life of integrity reconciles any difference between our inner and external lives. Doing so requires owning our mistakes, identifying what motivates our behavior, and entering into constructive communication with trusted friends who can help keep us on course.

My day as a runaway student was not my most severe incident in lacking integrity, but it was deeply formative. In recalling it, I remember how it felt not to reconcile my mistakes and face the discrepancy between the life I was projecting and the one I was living.

With the help and guidance of the Spirit, I learned vital lessons that have served me in reconciling my inner and outer self in pursuing a life of integrity.

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OWNING OUR MISTAKES

Accepting that mistakes are instrumental in our maturing process is the first step towards owning our failures. We'll never achieve perfection but can grow with progress. Owning our mistakes reveals we believe we don't have to be perfect to be loved. Acknowledging our shortcomings strengthens our inner person, aligning with the belief we can grow, change and turn around.

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MOTIVATION MATTERS

Identifying the motivations underneath our behavior is the starting place of change. It's easy to go with the flow of culture, but where is it leading, and who are we following? It is crucial to identify who we are trying to impress. When that audience requires more attention and resources than the people who share in our daily lives, it's time for a motivation assessment. It was only when I was faced with the disapproval of my professor that my real motivations (of wanting to be *seen* as a good student even when I wasn’t one) were uncovered.

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CONSTRUCTIVE COMMUNICATION

Our individualistic society celebrates phrases like "find your truth" and "you do you" pushing us away from living interdependently with others. ​​Scripture challenges us to turn towards each other, instead. For example, at the end of his life, the prophet Samuel requested input from those he had led and served, inviting them to “testify against him” and give an honest account of how they had experienced his leadership (1 Samuel 12:4) The people of Israel responded, "You have not defrauded us or oppressed us or taken anything from the hand of anyone."

This exchange between Samuel and his community is a poignant example of integrity. Samuel was brave in inviting feedback. What would it take for us to ask those we are in relationships with about their experience of us? More importantly, are we ready for the answer?

Stories come full circle. It's been two decades since I ran out of that auditorium. I'm a student again at the same institution pursuing a graduate degree. My last course was in that auditorium. I returned to sitting on the right side, midway to the back. I walk up those steps and through the double doors I once ran out of.

I turned around.

I'm committed to the holy work of integrity:

• Aligning my beliefs and behavior
• Embodying my values
• Living interdependently with my community

Healing and Restoration: Shortcuts Don't Pay Off

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Written for the Living Wholehearted Blog

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After I graduated from college and moved into my first house with friends, I didn’t own any furniture. Along with having no furniture, I also had no money. The upscale Chicago suburb I lived in had a once-a-year “trash day” where people put their used belongings on the side of the road for pick up. Those with smaller budgets and empty houses marked our calendars to go treasure hunting. I furnished a majority of my first house this way. I gathered coffee tables, chairs, and bookshelves from those hefty donations. Many of the items I found were made of wood but were no longer in excellent condition. But, I soon realized that paint would cover a multitude of flaws. I covered that wood furniture with coat after coat of paint. Covering up was easier than doing the work to expose the original beauty of the wood. It was a cheaper, easier, and faster process to slap on layers of paint. I wanted my furniture ready for use quickly. I opted for a quick fix to get the immediate result I wanted. 

One of the afternoon projects included spray paint. I just kept adding layer upon sticky layer in hopes that it would adhere and completely cover the wood. To think of it now makes me cringe. I didn’t leave myself margin to do the job well. 

I want to report that this halfway approach to furniture facelifts ceased once I was married, but that would be a lie. In our first year of marriage, my husband and I were gifted a beautiful set of bookshelves. They were mostly made of wood and stained a light cherry color. They worked well with the decor of our first apartment, but once my style got an upgrade, they no longer went with my color scheme. Once again, I opted for paint. Since I always seemed to be in a hurry, I decided to paint them without priming. The paint appeared to be adhering nicely until after it had dried. While moving them inside the house, the paint scraped right off when rounding a corner. 

Shortcuts don’t pay off. 

When the coffee table and the shelves lost their luster in exchange for blemishes, they eventually were sold for pennies on the dollar at a garage sale. I thought about doing the work of stripping the paint and restoring the wood, but I lacked the vision to see those projects through to completion. I moved on. 

I moved on because I didn’t see the value in them anymore. I would venture to say that I never experienced those pieces of solid wood furniture the way they were intended to be used and displayed. By the time I had them in my possession, I wasn’t willing to do the work of restoration. I often wonder if I would still own those pieces if I had partnered to expose their true beauty. They would have been great conversation starters. And today, they still can be. 

You and I are made to display the glory of God. But there have been days where I struggled to believe that truth. Can you relate? When something left a scrape on my life, I opted to cover it up instead of taking the long, slow road towards restoration. As a young emerging leader, the times I chose shortcuts affected my confidence, value, and worth. And when that happened, compromise soon followed. The old tapes of pain and rejection repeatedly playing in my mind opened the door to strife and posturing. There were times I chose that path instead of the slower road to healing. Phrases like “not good enough” and “you’re worthless” worked their way into my internal conversations and eventually out of my mouth. 

But that isn’t the truth. My worth and value are not rooted in how good I look, what I have accomplished, or other people’s thoughts about how I fit. And the same is true of you. When you’ve placed layer upon layer of crummy old paint on top of the beauty within you, what’s needed is a power washer to come and begin the process of stripping it all away. 

When we position ourselves to be washed and cleansed by the love of God, our job is to stay still and receive. I offer this caution; healing and restoration are far more effective and long-lasting when inviting others to accompany us on the journey. There is wisdom in finding trusted guides to journey alongside you on the road to healing and restoration. Others often have eyes to help us see the things we miss. Friends, family members, and pastors may fill the role of a trusted guide. But consider the possibility that your restoration journey may need the intentional, focused time and attention that a trained counselor or coach provides. Can you identify where you are on your journey towards restoration? Are you in touch with what you need to face the road ahead? Know this: You were not meant to walk the road alone. 

Shortcuts don’t pay off. 

So what is our role in all this? It begins with self-awareness. Make room to stop, pause, and reflect long enough to identify unhealthy thoughts and behavioral patterns. Admittedly, identifying these patterns and coping mechanisms is not easy. Peeling back the layers of the choices we’ve made to hide our pain never is. Seeking a coach or counselor to walk with you as you weather the growing pains accompanying healing could be the next practical step in your wholeness journey. Having someone present with you, holding space and bearing witness to your pain and your healing, is holy work. I urge you to choose the slow road of restoration and healing.

Restoration is not accomplished because of something you do but because you choose to believe that you are who God says you are. Believing what is true about you requires an active choice to stay close to God and rest while He peels away layers and reveals the original, beautiful design that has been there all along. 

“But when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit.” Titus 3:4-5 

A loving Father is inviting you to sit with Him, receive His love, and through the work of the Holy Spirit, regenerate and renew you to fully reflect the beauty you were created to put on display. 

Failure Is Not Fatal; It's Formational

Written for the LW Blog - 11/21

The years 2020 and 2021 have been marked by adversity and challenge. None of us escaped it, and many are still navigating seasons marked by unexpected transitions, failure, and disappointment. The global pandemic pulled the rug out from underneath us all, and it is now time to rise and find our footing once more. Though this season caught many of us by surprise, God knew it was coming, and He has been forming us through it all. He doesn’t waste anything.

Paul’s words in Romans 5:3-4 come to mind; “…we rejoice in our suffering, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope.” God will not waste our pain. Suffering can produce endurance, character, and hope in our lives if we allow it— what a great list of leadership development opportunities!
Growing and developing as leaders requires we first do our own work. Strengthening our “leadership” legs is vital so that when called upon, we can stand firm and rooted in the places we’ve been entrusted to lead.

Through my years of work as part of the collaborative writing team in developing the Friendzy Curriculum, a school-wide resource for students around emotional health, I have been personally impacted by the work. I’ve embraced and put into practice the social-emotional core competencies of self-awareness, self-management, responsible decision-making, social awareness, and relationship skills. I’m sharing with you the practical ways they have been helpful in my formation journey. I believe these skill sets, coupled with the truth of Paul’s words in Romans 5, can produce a tenacious resilience in us to grow into the leaders that God has intended us to be in the world.

What if failure is not fatal but part of our spiritual formation as leaders? Let’s determine how we can embrace our formation instead of resisting it. Let’s press on to lead well.

SELF-AWARENESS

Before we can adequately lead others, Jesus must first lead us. Jesus is the perfect leader to follow. Throughout the gospels, Jesus is continually inviting people to drop what they are doing and follow Him. As we follow Jesus, He teaches us what it means to lead from a place of humility and service. There is often a stark contrast to how Jesus lives and how we live. Being willing to identify the gaps in our lives where growth is needed requires self-awareness. Leaning into the work of Self-awareness may be the very thing that helps us to identify our emotions, acknowledge our own areas of suffering, allowing us to then bring them to Jesus so He can heal us. Let’s not be ashamed of our suffering or failures, trying to run from them. Don’t let them go to waste. See them. Feel them. Own them. And then bring them to Jesus to heal.

SELF-MANAGEMENT

Another word for self-management is self-discipline. As we identify where God invites us to lead, we must develop discipline and perseverance, a key part of our leadership formation. Sometimes we have to try once more, even after we fail. Begin again. Respond in obedience to what God has asked. Start writing, set up the meeting, submit that proposal, apply for the job….be faithful to do the next thing God instructed. It is okay to be scared, but don’t let fear have the final say. Do it anyway. It is crucial to be faithful to the work regardless of status or platform. Do it as an act of obedience, which helps take the pressure off and allows joy to return. In co-laboring with God, we partner in bringing about His Kingdom’s purposes on the earth. Strength and character develop in places of anonymity. Be faithful, steward what God has placed in your hands, and do not despise small beginnings.

RESPONSIBLE DECISION MAKING

When we struggle, suffer, or fail, it is an opportunity to develop resilience. It is vital to ask the question, “what didn’t work?” In analyzing and reflecting on failed situations, is a new solution emerging in how to proceed? As we grow as leaders, God will give us more to steward. Do the work now of stewarding the small things to develop grit, courage, and resolve, so you are ready to steward more later.

SOCIAL AWARENESS

When we do the work of owning our failures, bringing them to God to redeem and restore us, it produces empathy and develops our ability to see things from another’s perspective. Suffering and loss are great equalizers. As humans, there is no escaping them. Pain touches all of us at one time or another. Instead of avoiding suffering and denying its existence instead, let’s walk through it knowing that it has something valuable to teach us about our need for God and extending grace to others. Growing empathy and perspective-taking are critical parts of the leadership formation process.

RELATIONSHIP SKILLS

The healthiest leaders are the ones leading alongside others, allowing themselves to be known. There is wisdom in embracing our strengths and weaknesses and surrounding ourselves with others who possess what we lack. Collaboration is a beautiful picture of God’s design for His people. Communication and social engagement are necessary to build robust relationships to create something that will last. Studies reveal that we become like the people with whom we spend the most time. Surround yourself with leaders who will inspire you and hold you accountable to become the most healthy, whole, and Christ-like version of yourself.

Leadership is about growth and development. Becoming a leader and developing other leaders who have a heart for God’s purposes is fulfilling, lifelong work.

Allow failure to be the catalyst for leadership formation; it is the beginning of an inspiring story of resilience, perseverance, and hope, not the end of the road. Do not walk the road toward wholeness and emotional health alone. Invite trusted companions to partner with you in this work.

Living Wholehearted provides coaching, counseling, and leadership consulting to accompany you on your journey to wholehearted living. Invest in doing the work of becoming the kind of leader worth following and press on to lead well in the coming season.

The Power of the Transformed Life

HE IS…

He is the firstborn of all creation.

He is the source of all created things in heaven and earth, the seen and unseen.

He is before all things.

He is the one who holds it all together.

He is the head of the Church

He is the beginning.

He is the firstborn from the dead. (Colossians 1:15-18)

AND IN HIM…

And in Him, the fullness of God was pleased to dwell.

And in Him abides the life-giving source of reconciliation.

And in Him, we find transformation for our souls.

And in Him, we have hope filled with promise. (Colossians 1:19-24)

Jesus Christ is Lord over all creation, the promised reconciler between creation and the Creator. This central truth of our Christian faith is what our lives are built upon, what shapes our being.

Through Jesus’ reconciling power, transformation awaits.

We were once hostile toward God, acting wrongly. The power of the transformed life accessed through our reconciliation to Jesus offers us a new existence, one where we act rightly toward God, others, and the world.

This promised hope can be the reality of our lives. 

Have you journeyed on the path of reconciliation?

Will you answer the call from within you to follow the one who created you?

Love itself is moving towards you with an outstretched hand waiting for you to extend yours. 

Like Paul and the apostles like him, I urge you to say yes to the ongoing work of reconciliation that will transform us into the likeness of the God we worship. 

My prayer for my generation, and for the ones before and behind me, is that we remain steadfast and faithful to the truth. 

May it be said of us that we were faithful to receive God’s love AND be faithful witnesses of God’s love.

What Stays The Same Is That We Are Constantly Changing

Landing on the other side of a difficult season, I remember thinking while still in the fray, "I'm never going to weather this storm." But, it turns out, the skies eventually clear. 

My body birthed four children in five years. With each additional life, there was great joy and a tremendous sense of responsibility. I found myself staring up at the mountain of motherhood I had no idea how I would climb. But in due time, those babies have grown. They crawled, walked, and began to run. They have charged their way into young adulthood. My hands are lighter now, and my heart more full.

Change is constant and all around me. 

The years of birthing children have passed. Instead, I’m now pregnant with hopes, ideas, and visions. Some dreams have miscarried, others are alive and thriving, while some are still incubating in the womb of possibility. I want security, yet I crave change, chasing after both. I desire a mature mind and a young body.

Life is a paradox, and we live inside its holy tension. How will we embrace it?  

I've been thinking about the words in John 10:10 that speak of the abundant life we have in Jesus. This kind of life makes room for the good and the hard. I've come to understand that the times wandering in the dark pull me towards the light; craving it. As we embrace the abundance of life, paradox, and all, may we find comfort in knowing that God is with us in the light and the dark.

What stays the same is that we are constantly changing, but we are never alone in any season.

Whether through lament or celebration, our stories speak of a God who holds us close as each chapter unfolds. It is hard to understand, wrapped in mysterious wonder. Yet, in looking back on the journey, there is evidence of divine hands holding us close, securing us for what is coming.

God's sustaining presence will never let us go.

A Leader Is First A Follower. Who Are You Following?

Growing and developing as leaders requires we first do our own work.

Strengthening our "leadership" legs is vital so that when called upon, we can stand firm and rooted in the places we've been entrusted to lead.  A key element of leadership formation is self-awareness.

SELF-AWARENESS:  The ability to recognize personal emotions, values, strengths, and limitations.

Leaders who are self-aware have the capacity to recognize their successes and failures. David, a man after God’s heart, had moments of great victory and failure. In Psalm 139 we read David’s honest words where he cries out to God. 

“Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and LEAD me in the way everlasting.”

Before we can adequately lead others, Jesus must first lead us. 

And rest assured,  Jesus is the perfect leader to follow.  As we follow Jesus, He teaches us what it means to lead from a place of humility and service. The challenge that most of us face is that there is a contrast to how Jesus lives and how we live. Being willing to identify the gaps in our lives where growth is needed requires self-awareness. Leaning into the work of self-awareness may be the very thing that helps us to identify our emotions, acknowledge our own areas of suffering, allowing us to then bring them to Jesus.

Let's not be ashamed of our suffering or try to run from it. 

Don't let it go to waste. 

See it. 

Feel it. 

Own it.

And then bring it to Jesus so that He can heal it.

Brokenness Made Whole

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A contributor piece for the Advent Reflections Series at True & Noble

“But there’ll be no darkness for those in trouble.” (Isaiah 9 MSG)

We are not alone. The light that shines through the darkness is evidence of the presence of the Almighty. He accomplishes what no man can engineer. Full of mystery, wonder, and power His light always breaks through. The darkness will never be able to push out the glorious brilliance of the light of life. Jesus is the light of the world, the light no darkness can overcome!

“Prince of Wholeness. His ruling authority will grow, and there’ll be no limits to the wholeness he brings.” (Isaiah 9 MSG)

Jesus is the restorer, the promised reconciler, the one who takes all the broken pieces and puts them back together. He is the pure refining gold that holds together what was once broken making it new, whole, radiant, shining His glory and healing power. Our brokenness being made whole through Jesus, the Prince of Wholeness, displays His splendor.

Jesus came and dwelt among us, shattering the darkness once and for all. Yet, He is still coming for us each day and every moment, reminding us of His light and resurrection power over darkness.

“He’ll put that kingdom on a firm footing and keep it going with fair dealing and right living, beginning now and lasting always.” (Isaiah 9 MSG)

The firm foundation of the Church rests on the shoulders of the established Kingdom of God.

Past. Present. Future. It stands.

No matter what comes it will be the last thing standing. Now and always Jesus reigns.

Amen.

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Tissue Box Confessional

This is a contributor piece written for The Redbud Post. Read the full article HERE

I was led into the conference room and seated at a massive table that filled most of the room. The solitary item on the table, a tissue box, was the first thing to catch my eye.

Foreshadowing shows up in real life too, not just the movies. 

I didn’t want to be sitting in this chair interviewing for this job. My mind was on other things, like my upcoming wedding in California in just two short weeks. My fiancé still had one more year before completing his college degree, so I, the bright-eyed recent college graduate was in search of a job to fill the piggy bank of our life together for the coming year. 

I’d spent a year in the workforce, teaching health education courses to high school students around the city of Chicago.

These courses specifically focused on sexual health with the message of abstinence taking center stage. So here I was, a young 22-year-old woman fresh out of college, newly engaged, traveling around to schools across the city talking about abstinence. And in case you are wondering, yes, I showed the dreaded STD slides to rooms full of hormonal high school students. The training for this job schooled me in ways I’d like to erase from my memory. Even though showing those slides was bad, it wasn’t the worst part.

The part that left a pit in my stomach and an ache in my heart was that day after day I was living a lie. 

The words of Paul in Romans 7:18-20 sum up how I felt.

 “I want to do what is right, but I can’t. I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. But if I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is the sin living in me that does it.”

I was tormented by the fact that what I said I believed, what I spent my days talking to students about, was the very thing I was unable, or unwilling, to put into practice in my own life. It was a cycle of making a choice, regretting that choice, confessing that choice to God, and then trying my hardest to not make that choice again. Until I did.

The cycle of sin, confession, and repentance continued in what felt like a hamster wheel, never gaining progress in moving forward. 

Can you relate? I hope that you can’t but suspect that you do. The condition of the human heart plagues each one of us, and even though the sinful action, thought, or behavior on repeat is something we wished was different, we share in the familiarity of the darkness that lives within us all if we chose to be honest about it. Being honest is the hardest part. 

I was teaching abstinence while not remaining abstinent.

I was counting the days until this job was complete. Then I would fly from Illinois to California and celebrate my wedding and remedy my guilty conscience. I knew that upon returning from the wedding I would need a new job, so I decided to get a jump start on that process. I assumed it would be easy. I was open to a wide array of jobs. I just needed something to cover our living expenses for the year. I searched far and wide for a job, utilizing all my known connections and still I came up empty-handed. As our wedding grew closer the need for financial security for our future increased. Just two weeks before our wedding a job opportunity found its way to me. It was a job I was not looking for and it was a job I didn’t want. But it was the only job possibility before me. 

Let’s get back to the tissue box.

I was there in the conference room sitting at that massive table across from a woman who was interviewing me for a job as an abstinence educator to serve the schools in the NW suburbs of Chicago. My experience fit what was needed to be qualified for the job; my current lack of integrity did not. Not very far into the interview, still at the pleasantries stage sharing small bits of information about our lives, the woman spoke up rather abruptly and began making a fuss about the lonely Kleenex box situated directly in front of me. 

“Oh, I must apologize! I have no idea why that Kleenex box is in the middle of the table. How tacky. The people before us must have left it there.” 

It was as if time stood still. It felt like the room began to spin. I heard a phrase loudly and clearly, yet I knew it was meant for me alone and that no one else could hear it. I knew it was the Holy Spirit speaking to me. 

“Tell her the truth.”

I immediately began to protest—not outwardly, but engaging in the conversation that raged within me. My heart was racing and my palms began to sweat. If internal yelling is a thing, this is what I yelled back at the voice that was beckoning me to expose myself to this stranger. But this is my only option for a job! If I tell her the truth about me I will walk away with nothing. 

The kindness of God that I had heard others talk about felt far from me at this moment. It was as if I was walking into the principal’s office waiting for my punishment. Did I think I deserved it? Yes. Did it feel kind? Not so much. I didn’t like my options, but as much as I felt vulnerable and exposed, my fear of God outweighed them all. I knew deep in my gut that I did not want to ignore this directive. 

After what felt like a long pause that housed the heated inner dialogue, I broke the silence. 

“I know exactly why that tissue box is there. I have something that I need to tell you.”

With tears streaming down my cheeks I shared with this woman exactly why I was the wrong person for the job. I confessed my sin, poured out my honest wrestle of wanting to choose something better, but feeling stuck and alone and falling prey to my sin over and over again. The shame of it all had kept my mouth shut. Although I had continually confessed to God, I was too ashamed to ask others around me for help. I was too proud. I knew better and I could have chosen better. I left my heart and tears on the table that day with this woman who was a stranger.

Clearing my conscience through the act of public confession opened up more air in my chest. I now had more room to breathe. 

The woman across the table from me sat in silence as I blubbered on. She was kind to listen and stand in the place of a priest that day. I didn’t expect her to fix it, but to receive it. And she did. But she also did more than that. I was surprised by what she said next. 

“You are the girl for the job. You’re the one we want.”

This stranger was extending me kindness and grace. That day marked the beginning of a new friendship, one marked with vulnerability, honesty, and so much grace. 

What had felt like a punishment from God to own up to my sin and shortcomings was instead a gift of kindness leading me toward freedom. 

“Don’t you see how wonderfully kind, tolerant, and patient God is with you? Does this mean nothing to you? Can you see that his kindness is intended to turn you from your sin?” Romans 2:4

Redbud Writers Guild

From IF ONLY to WHAT IF

This is a contributor piece written for the PROPEL WOMEN ARTICLES

If only. This familiar two-word phrase often precedes statements revealing the deep longings of our hearts. Our hopes and disappointments are tethered to if only. And for most of us, there exists the constant temptation to fixate on the things in life that haven’t turned out as expected. Sometimes we get stuck. Sometimes we resign. It is easy to point the finger at others, at God, at life itself. And yet, the Gospel empowers us to reframe our perspective. 

God looks at the matters of the heart, and His Word invites us to take a look at what is happening on the inside of us. The external problems we face often have an internal solution. Scripture provides a different way to engage our disappointment. It’s not only in spite of our problems, but because of them, that Christ can be glorified in our lives.

“And I want you to know, my dear brothers and sisters, that everything that has happened to me here has helped to spread the Good News. For everyone here, including the whole palace guard, knows that I am in chains because of Christ.” Philippians 1:12-13

The Apostle Paul shares from personal experience that our perspective in times of pain makes all the difference. Paul does not ask, “Is what’s happening to me fair?” Instead, he asks a different question: “Is what’s happening to me accomplishing something for God? Is it furthering His purposes in the world?”

Paul’s challenge to us is to view our adversity in light of its kingdom contribution. In doing so, he insists that adversity does not limit the gospel; rather, it causes its advancement. 

What were Paul’s specific circumstances? He was serving a prison sentence in Rome and was in the custody of the palace guard. These elite troops were a specialized, handpicked, military group. They were Caesar’s own personal bodyguards—strong, courageous, brilliant young men. They served in the palace guard protecting Caesar and guarding the prisoners, like Paul, who were waiting for an appeal. After years of service, many of them transitioned into other influential careers. Some may have gone on to be the commanding generals of large forces. Others may have stepped into public office. They were the movers and shakers of the future, leaders of the next generation. If someone wanted to influence the Roman Empire, this group is where you would start. Every day one of them wore the other end of Paul’s chain. He wasn’t chained to them; they were chained to him. Literally, Paul had a captive audience with whom he shared the gospel message, which led to many conversions. 

In God’s sovereignty, the Lord ordained Paul’s imprisonment so many people would hear the gospel who would not have otherwise. What appeared as a setback actually advanced the gospel in a strategic way throughout Rome. 

Have we considered that God strategically placed us right where we are to be a witness to those around us? Are we aware of our captive audience? What if the very thing that feels frustrating and draining is the strategic assignment God is calling us to and equipping us for? If He isn’t creating a way out, then there is provision for the way through. 

Changing our language helps to change our minds. The powerful shift from repeating our if only narrative to reframing it with the question of what if can make all the difference. Let’s reframe our chains. 

• What if getting passed by for the promotion is providing the opportunity to grow your character in preparation for the leadership spaces you will occupy in the next decade? 

• What if the painful ending to that relationship is exposing fractures that God wants to correct and strengthen? 

• What if your greatest area of struggle is a roadmap for God’s redemptive purposes in your life?

Life isn’t fair and things are not as they should be. But amidst the challenge life brings, we are invited to cling to the hope of Jesus Christ, the anchor of our souls, the One who promises His strength will be made perfect in our weakness. 

With the help of the Holy Spirit we can rewrite the if only narrative that has been playing on repeat. God is at work to advance His kingdom here and now and He has invited us to participate. 

When "I" Is In The Wrong Place

This was a piece written for The Mudroom Blog.

Eighth grade was a pivotal moment in my educational career. It was when I learned that I wasn’t a big deal. I was a good student and I worked hard, especially in my Honors English class. My teacher was sophisticated, regal, and poised. She challenged me to be more clear and articulate in my communication and expected great things from me. I wanted to make her proud.

In the Spring of that year we were assigned our first research paper which counted for 30% of our grade. The assignment was to select three people of influence and find a common thread of connection between them. I selected John Walsh (America’s Most Wanted host), Joni Eareckson Tada (a paraplegic artist and motivational speaker), and Anne Frank (Holocaust survivor). I spent countless hours thinking about how I would weave these stories together, but my thoughts didn’t translate into action.

Procrastination took over.

I woke up early the morning the assignment was due to finish typing my paper. I did a final skim and one last spell-check. It irked me seeing the screen littered with words underlined in red. I printed my final copy and loaded my backpack. I didn’t think about it again until the day we got our grades.

That was not a good day. The letter written on my paper was one I had never seen on any of my work. A bold capital D. The people pleaser and perfectionist in me wanted to hide. I was embarrassed and felt like a failure. I sheepishly tried to exit the classroom without my teacher noticing. It didn’t work.

“Connie, may I speak with you?”

My muscles stiffened and I tried to appear brave. Inwardly I was shriveling,

“I was disappointed when I read your paper. Misspelling the name of one of the main subjects, is a display of carelessness. I expected better.”

With head hung low I escaped the conversation and plopped down on a nearby bench. I took out my paper to see scores of red circles. The name Joni (Eareckson Tada) had been spelled Join throughout the entire paper. I flashed back to earlier that morning when I was rushing to print my paper and did one last spell-check. Every Joni had been changed to Join. My procrastination led to carelessness.

I had put “i” in the wrong place, and it was a detrimental mistake.

I vowed to not make that mistake again. Lack of planning makes way for carelessness, and carelessness begins to affect the things that actually matter a great deal.

This scholastic train wreck happened at age thirteen. I am now thirty-nine. This memory has stuck with me for twenty-five years and has taught me important life lessons. It initially taught me about procrastination. It is now teaching me about self-care.

This older version of me struggles with self-care similar to how the younger version of me struggled with procrastination. When “I” is in the wrong place, and things are out of order, problems arise.

In a conversation with a trusted friend, I reported my heightened levels of weariness and fatigue. My confession was met with a thoughtful question.

“You are pouring out time, energy and care into your kids, your marriage, in ministry and friendship. That is a lot of emptying without much filling. Who is pouring into you?”

I fought against what was being implied.

“You’re lacking balance. Not making space to receive has left you depleted.”

The truth landing in a tender place.

I knew she was right. I was uncomfortable with receiving something without having something to offer in return (Yes, I’m a two on the Enneagram). Learning self-care is essential to combatting exhaustion. Sometimes even my noble attempts to give love to others was more about me than them.

When “I” is in the wrong place, it enables me to put my needs on the back-burner for the sake of others. I want to love well and be selfless. But a problem arises when I keep doing for others what I am unwilling to do for myself.

When I’m careless with me, I become careless with other people.

When I give, without receiving, it affects my relationship with God. It’s not until I position myself under the faucet of God’s love, that what pours out comes from a place of overflow. The only sustainable model of what it means to be a disciple of Jesus comes from a posture of abiding…..

Continue reading the remainder of the article HERE

Transition

Transition: The process or a period of changing from one state or condition to another. 

When we witness the transition of a bud turning into a bloom, we are in awe of the beauty found in each stage of the process. And we’re not so different than those blooms. Growing into our fullness can sometimes feel like stretching and groaning. The opening up and reaching out requires grit and trust. We wrestle as we wait for external circumstances that our outside of our control to cause the growth, but yet, we find peace because we know there  is a trustworthy One who signals when it is time to shift. He takes the time and intention to make sure each flower blooms and each blade of grass grows. 

••Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing,  yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are.  And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?•• Matthew 6:28-30

And yet, transition isn’t easy. When things shift and move from one state to another it causes discomfort and even sometimes pain. The most painful part of labor, when the female body  is shifting from 7cm to 10cm to create an opening for the beginning of the baby’s descent,  is the time that is referred to as “transition”. New life is entering the world and shifts and change occur in order to make room for that to happen. It is not without pain, but that pain is not wasted. It is unto something. 

Transitions in our life often precede something new, evidence of new life. But transition also involves leaving what was. There is room for it to be good and hard all at the same time. So in the good and the hard and everything in between, let’s remember that we serve a God whose plans for us are good. When we declare that truth over our lives we are more aptly prepared to identify where He is already at work on our behalf. 

•• The Lord is good to all, and His tender mercies are over all His works.••  Psalm 145:9

So I’m opening my hands and my heart to release and let go so that I  make room to receive  and grab hold of what is to come. My hope is that you will find the courage to do the same. 

The In- Between

This piece was written as a contribution to the True and Noble Lent Devotional Series

I didn’t grow up in a liturgical church tradition. I’ve discovered the beautiful richness of Church history as I’ve grown older. Last year I attended my first Ash Wednesday service with an accompanying invitation for reflection through the stations of the cross. Each station caused my heart to expand and beat a bit faster as I pictured the road of suffering that Jesus walked and imagined the faces He encountered along the way.

I knew where that road led and what was to come, yet fresh tears stung my eyes as I stood at station twelve- the crucifixion. But I wasn’t ready for station thirteen. I literally had to catch my breath. The scene in front of me brought on a physical reaction, causing my hand to cover my mouth, holding in the cry that wanted to escape. It was the image of Mary, the mother of Jesus, and three others with her, cradling His broken, bruised and lifeless body. I tried to imagine the darkness of that hour, I’m trying still, but I know my comprehension does not come close to touching the deep sorrow. The one they thought would save them, their long awaited King, was lying dead in their arms.

It was the space in between: between death and resurrection life. The space full of pain, doubt and hopelessness. 

What we now know, but what they did not, was the hope waiting in the days ahead; a promise no one could have fathomed. History changed forever - theirs, yours and mine. We are now able to tell a different story because we know the ending.

Many of us know the space of in between all too well. The world is not as it should be. Let us  cling to the promise that tomorrow holds and keep the end in mind. 

“Because by thy Holy Cross, thou hast redeemed the world.”

It is finished. 

Fully Human, Fully Divine

This piece was written as part of the True and Noble Lent Devotional Series

During this Lenten season, I find myself thinking about what Jesus was thinking about in the days leading up to the crucifixion. He was fully Divine, but also fully human. What was the wrestle of Jesus’ human heart? 

Jesus knew the plan; He knew why He had come. God had set in motion the greatest rescue to happen in the most unlikely way and it would require everything of Jesus. In His humanity He must have wanted another option; one that didn’t include pain, suffering, and ultimately death. 

But the divinity of Jesus knew that what appeared to be a death blow to the Church was actually the birth of the Church; the supernatural multiplication of the Kingdom of God. 

“I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat is planted in the soil and dies, it remains alone. But its death will produce many new kernels- a plentiful harvest of new lives.” John 12:24

The death of Jesus was the beginning of a revolution, and His resurrection an invitation for us to follow His example of speaking life to dead things. Through the resurrection power of the cross of Jesus Christ, we can speak life to the death in our minds, hearts, bodies, and spirits. We are counted among the “plentiful harvest of new lives.” 

Jesus came to make wrong things right. 

Jesus came to make dead things alive. 

Longsuffering

“There is no particular virtue in accepting punishment that you well deserve. But if you’re treated badly for good behavior and continue in spite of it to be a good servant, that is what counts with God. This is the kind of life you’ve been invited into, the kind of life Christ lived. He suffered everything that came his way so that you would know that it could be done, and also know how to do it, step-by-step.” (1 Peter 2:20-21)

I found myself in a recent discussion where someone posed this question:

“What makes Christianity different than other world religions?”

Among the list of answers, one gripped me most. Christ teaches us to love. And not just those who are easy to love, the world knows how to do that. Most all religions teach caring for the poor and the marginalized. Christianity steers us down the narrow road when Christ commands us to love our enemies.

When His enemies crucified Him, Jesus forgave them, took on their sin, and died in their place. The cross of Christ was the price of his obedience to God amidst a rebellious world.

In doing right, He suffered.

In loving those that others hated, He suffered.

In representing the righteousness of God among people less righteous, He suffered.

The cross was God’s method of overcoming evil with good.

Our cross as Christians is no different. It is the price of our obedience to God’s love. Unwavering love for our friends AND our foes will mean hostility and suffering for us just as it did for Him.

“It is by this that we know what love is,” says the apostle, “that Christ laid down his life for us. And we in turn are bound to lay down our lives for our brothers.” 1 John 3:16

May we see clearly the path of suffering that Jesus walked. May we understand the love that compelled Him to do it. Make it so in us.

Reflect the Light

“People sitting out their lives in the dark saw a huge sign: Sitting in that dark, dark country o death, they watched the sun come up.” Matthew 4:16 (MSG)⁣

A recent graduate school assignment for a spiritual formation class had me pulling out years of old journals and revisiting their pages. Through thoughts written years ago, I heard the whispers of God afresh. This is what He showed me. ⁣

A prism lied encased in a candle. It was fully covered, the prism unable to be seen. Once the candle was lit, the wax began to melt revealing that something else existed beneath the surface. A prism is designed with many facets to reflect and display an array of color, causing the light to move and bend. But, the surrounding wax was hindering the prism from its primary function: to reflect the light of the sun. ⁣

The mercies of our God are available to us through Jesus. His love melts away the lies and deception that cover up our original design and beauty. His light shatters the darkness, and simultaneously the flame of his love offers freedom. But, the heat of the fire is not comfortable.⁣

God, may the vision of freedom and transformation captivate us more than avoiding the temporary pain of refining. 

May we struggle well, knowing that peace is our companion and hope is birthed in the wrestle. 

Teach us to surrender so that we can be free.

Align our will and way to yours, O God. 

Complete the good work you have begun in us.

We will follow you down the path of peace. 

Remove all the coverings that hinder or hide us. 

Let the light of your son Jesus shine through us. 

All the way. ⁣

He Knows The Way

Get up and move.

The small steps count.

Just put one foot in front of the other.

Before we know it we will leave the outside noise behind.

And soon, the internal noise settles too.

Look up and breathe in deep.

We’re going to be ok.

We’re on our way and we will get to where we are going, even if right now we can’t see over the horizon.

We’ll get there right on time.

The journey matters and all we are learning has a purpose.

The One who knows the way, the One who created the map goes before us. He is with us every step of the way making a clearing for our feet.

•• “May God, our very own God, continue to be with us, just as he was with our ancestors- may he never give up and walk out on us. May he keep us centered and devoted to him, following the life he has cleared, watching the signposts, walking at the pace and rhythms he laid down for our ancestors.” •• 1 Kings 8:57-58 MSG

Goodbye Summer Nights

This is a contributor piece written for Portland Moms Blog

Summer nights in our home have had a drastic impact on bedtimes. The sun stays up later and so do we. Late night walks to get ice cream and sunset SUP rides on the river are a few of the memories I’ve tucked away from these warm months of fun. Late summer nights have made for lazy, slow mornings; allowing me some quiet alone time to enjoy coffee and read in peace. I’m not complaining, but now that we are heading to the routine that comes with school schedules and the changing of seasons, we have our work cut out for us to make this transition a success.

In our home, we grab hold of these three strategies: Rally, Reset, and Repeat to make it through the first few weeks of school schedules. If you find yourself in a summer detox situation like me, try these tips on for size. They may just help keep your sanity in tact!

RALLY

Rallying the family tribe to get on the same page is of utmost importance. We need maximum buy-in from all parties (two adults and four elementary school-aged kids in our home) in order for this ship to sail smoothly. To us, this looks like pep talks on the regular, goal setting, and a smattering of group hugs and high fives. This is the one educational year that all four of my children will be attending the same school, so we are mapping out plans for morning walks to school as a family.

I love watching my older girls help lead and direct their younger sister as she begins her first year of school. They are assisting with fashion tips, assembling her outfits, and proudly giving her a tour of her new school. My momma heart is proud to see that as we are rallying around them, they are rallying around her to provide the extra support and courage she needs to step into this next phase of life.

RESET

Bedtime hours and routines are in desperate need of an overhaul. Summer has looked like messy buns and sweatpants, but now it is time to reign it in and provide some needed structure. Once the troops rally and listen to dad’s inspiring pep talk, we communicate rhythms and routines to serve as the guardrails that help us stay the course.

We work though the list of disciplines that ensure our success; packing lunches the night before, laying out outfit selections for the next day, and reiterating the new morning wake-up times are a few of the routines we implement. None of these ideas are new or creative. They are old hat, tried and true. Although they are simple to spell out, the commitment to consistency is hard. But they are worthy of striving towards nonetheless. By establishing  and executing these simple routines, the mornings flow with peace and calm; two ingredients that are the balm to every mother’s heart.

REPEAT

One of my greatest struggles as a parent is getting my children to listen to me. They have an amazing knack of tuning out my voice and continuing on as if no on was speaking to them. I know I am not alone in this struggle. Repeating the goals and strategies for our transition from summer nights to fall mornings is vital. Repeating our words as well as our actions is the step that eventually begins to move us in the right direction, positioning us for success in the season ahead.

For the next month, and possibly even longer, our family will be working through the strategies of Rally, Reset, and Repeat, over and over again. Because practice makes perfect.....maybe. 

Write It Down: Name Your Goals and Dreams

This is a contributor piece written for Portland Moms Blog. Read the full article HERE.

The third row down on my bookshelf is full of a collection of old journals in many different shapes and sizes. I’ve been writing down my thoughts for years. I fondly remember the summer of ’96 writing teenage poetry while burning incense and listening to Enya. I am glad I still own those journals because I return to them every so often for comic relief. My thoughts taken captive and written on the page mark a moment in time and offer a snapshot into my life. I put the pen to the page and named the dreams inside me.

Eventually I grew older and a bit more pragmatic. During the summer of 2005 I took a new approach to tracking my words. I made a list of goals and dreams, numbered them one to fifteen, and tucked them away in my wallet. Years passed before I came across them again, and an interesting thing happened when I saw the list. I realized that eight of the fifteen goals and dreams had already been accomplished even though the list was not in plain view!

The words I had written on paper had simultaneously been written on my heart. I purposed to accomplish what I declared, and that got me thinking. What could happen if I was intentional to move towards my goals and dreams? How quickly could my list be accomplished? Implementing these FIVE strategies has helped me to accomplish my goals and dreams with purpose and intention.

1. Keep it with You

This list still lives in my wallet, but now it also lives other places as well. I have it saved in a document on my computer as well as a list on my phone. We have a way of talking about the things we care for. This list helps to bring focus to the things that matter to me, and subsequently I end up sharing them with those around me. 

2. Revisit Often

Every six months I make it a point to set aside a morning to read through old journals and revisit my list of goals and dreams. I make adjustments where needed and add more specific details that have come to light since the last time I evaluated my progress. This practice aids me in tracking growth and staying on course to accomplish my goal.  

3. Tell a Friend

Spending time with a person does not ensure you know things that matter most to them or vice versa. Sharing the goals and dreams you are working to accomplish is a great way to open up new and interesting conversations. It can bring new life to a friendship, and it will help provide some accountability. If asked, they will most likely check in to hear of the milestones you’re working to achieve......

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