Fight to Be First: Tackling Difficult Conversations With Your Kids

A contributor piece for Portlandmoms.com

I’m constantly breaking up arguments between my kids over who gets to go first. Whether they are running to the van to see who gets to ride shotgun or pushing to the front of the line to order their ice cream cone, they feel an urgency to fight for what they want. This behavior is not condoned and results in a consequence, mostly due to their approach of fighting their way to the front. But this idea of fighting to be first has been on my mind lately, and from a parenting standpoint, I feel a sense of urgency to address difficult conversations with my children before someone else gets to it first. In an age where information is available with the click of a button, and dialogue between peers is happening on the playground, the importance of tackling difficult conversations head-on with our kids is vital. With pressing topics ranging from natural disasters, death, divorce, sex, and financial instability, we as parents need to be ready to address these issues with concern and care. Here are 4 tips to help navigate these difficult conversations.  

Find out what your child already knows

Our children offer clues to what is occupying their brain space. When they start asking questions or making comments about a new topic, it is an invitation to press in. Lead with a question and ask “What have you heard?” regarding the difficult conversation at hand. Their answer will provide a grid for what they understand and what misconceptions need to be corrected. 

Keep It Simple

My children range in age from 4 to 9 years old. My difficult conversation with my oldest will look different from that with my youngest. Occasionally, one simple sentence may suffice, while other times, an in-depth conversation is needed. Listen for where your child has worry or concern and be sure to offer reassurance. Be first to validate their concern and remind them that they are healthy, safe, and loved. 

Ask more questions

Find out from your children where and when these conversations surfaced. Where did they hear this information? Help to direct them back to you as the parent, as a safe and accurate source of information. Address that some of these difficult conversations may feel awkward and uncomfortable, but sometimes we have to be uncomfortable to grow. I consistently tell my children that no matter what they ask me, I will always speak the truth. Telling the truth is not always easy or popular, but it is a promise I have made to my kids. They know that regardless of how uncomfortable or difficult the conversation may be, they will get a straight answer from their parents. This has resulted in our children choosing us as parents to be their first choice when talking through hard things. 

Talk Again

Check back in occasionally with your child about the issues you discussed. This reinforces that they have been heard and that you are a safe place to continue the dialogue. When we as parents are available to navigate these difficult conversations, even when there are no simple, easy answers, trust is built with our children.