Releasing Control: Fostering Independence in our Kids

A contributor piece for Portlandmoms.com

I vividly remember the conversation. My friend and I were standing in my kitchen. She joked that she is tempted to make her 6-year-old daughter drink out of a sippy cup. Not because she didn’t know how to drink from a regular cup, but because it ensured to keep the mess at bay. This conversation ensued just after my 3-year-old had poured milk from the carton into his cereal bowl. Well, most of it.  He managed to pour 80% of the milk into the bowl, but there was still a mess on the counter. I’ve come to realize that, in an attempt to control the mess and chaos, my parenting strategies focused on the 20% failure rather than celebrating the 80% success. I decided that it was time to release my grip on control and  proactively foster independence in my kids. 

It is not about me

It is uncomfortable for me to admit, but at times my parenting strategies shift based on who is watching. Truth be told, I am a recovering people pleaser, and I am working to not hold such an elevated view of what others think of me. This journey to more wholeness has had a positive effect on my parenting. The narrative surrounding the mess in the kitchen and how that reflects on my worth as a mother shifts from beating myself up for not keeping things clean and tidy to celebrating the fact that my kids had a blast making an afternoon batch of jello. And they did it all on their own. Although their version of cleaning up has room for improvement, I am seeing how these opportunities to execute a task from beginning to end foster independence. 

Creativity blooms when given space to grow

I’m the mom who takes the bin of paint and hides it in the cupboard nobody can reach. I executed that strategy for years until my kids were old enough and tall enough to catch on. And you know what? It wasn’t as painful as I had imagined in my mind. The hours of creativity and storytelling that resulted from this inexpensive bin of paint yielded a great reward. Homemade play-dough is another activity that my kids enjoy. I am known to keep tight control on the food coloring dispersement because….stains. Until one day, I chose to let them mix and match to their hearts' content, and we survived! My kids have learned responsibility by being given responsibility. Novel, right? Fostering independence can start with the simplest of tasks. When a child successfully accomplishes a goal, it builds confidence and responsibility. 

Motherhood Mantra

My mantra as a mom: raise children who extend love and acceptance to others, who are capable and kind, tender and strong, empathetic and full of gratitude. This list is lofty, but I believe it is attainable. The days are long, but the years are short, so I aim to maximize my time as a mother to instill these character traits in my children. Just like me, my children learn best by doing, not just by hearing. Reports of conflict resolution on the playground and inviting the new kid in school to join in the basketball game at recess reveal that they are beginning to put these values into practice. The more hands-on opportunities provided to children help to foster independence. In turn, I am learning from their examples as I see my children embody these characteristics. 

Take some time to sit back and enjoy

Life is busy and even chaotic at times. With a house full of 6 people, someone is always on the move. But when I take a moment to sit back and observe all that is happening and how my little people are learning and growing, often in spite of me, I am in awe. So, Mamma, this is my challenge to you: put down control and pick up your coffee. Sit back and take a long, hard look at the beauty and life that surround you. You are doing a great job and your hard work will not return void.